Movember and My 2010 Mo Quiz

This month, I’ve temporarily shed my beardiness in favor of a more mustachioed manscape. Although I feel a bit less mighty, like Samson after Delilah’s betrayal, I’m mustering the strength forge on through Movember.

What is Movember? It’s a mashup of Mo, slang for mustache, and November, one of the manliest months in the Gregorian calendar, to help raise men’s cancer awareness – especially the testicular and prostate varieties.

I’m raising awareness by altering my facial appearance, from a majestic mane to a magnificent Mo. My mustache will become my own personal ribbon to promote the cause and is already making waves in fashionista hotbeds, the likes of Paris, New York and Milan.

I’m doing this because:

  • 1 in 2 men will be diagnosed with cancer in his lifetime (we’re certainly familiar with this).
  • 1 in 6 men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer during his lifetime.
  • I’ve been blessed with a Christ-like ability to grow Messiah-worthy facial hair.

How you can help:

Normally, you can catch a ride with ass, gas or cash, but the only way you’re catching this mustache ride is with cash*. If you want to pony up on the ‘stash express, I’m asking you to support my efforts by making a donation that will benefit the great work of the Prostate Cancer Foundation and LIVESTRONG. To help, you can either:

  • Write a check payable to Movember, referencing my name or Registration Number 676962 and mailing it to: Movember, PO Box 2726, Venice, CA 90294-2726

*ass will be an acceptable form of payment only on Movember 18 a.k.a Have Sex with a Guy with a Mustache Day.

The money raised will help make a HUGE difference to the lives of others, through the world’s most promising prostate cancer research and LIVESTRONG’s programs that support men and their families battling and surviving cancer. And if you donate now, I’ll even throw in a personalized, autographed, in-action Mo pic as my way of saying thank you.

Back by popular demand, is my mustache quiz! Last time I went pretty easy on you, so this year is all about deep cuts. There are no standard ‘staches on this list. I’ll post the answers on December 1 and the person that leaves the highest number of correct answers in the comments section will win this stylish XL Movember t-shirt created by Palmer Cash:

Remember, if you have any Movember questions, you can always holla at your boy Dr. Mo Mentum. Thank you all for your support and good luck with the quiz!

Mustache Quiz 2010: Get your answers in by November 30!

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Cleveland: The food’s not always prepared near the street

The food in Cleveland looks like a fat guy’s dream. I guess the food is one reason why I’m taking this trip. Besides, if you want to wrap your taste buds around the salt of the earth, there’s no substitute for the Rust Belt.

After me and my fellow traveler’s finish our 650 mile trip, we’re gonna need to strap on the old comfort food feedbag to fill our bellies with solids before drowning our livers in Wiedemanns and Rumple Minze. Since we don’t want to cut into our liquid consumption time, we’ve already researched two places where we can stuff our faces on the cheap!

The Tick Tock Tavern (T3):
I scoped out the menu today and the prices are fantastic. I can buy the entire menu and it would probably cost me $150. This must be what Dez Bryant feels like when he goes out to dinner. Seriously, the most expensive item on the menu is $18.95 (not counting the bucket of 250 chicken wings for $90.99). At that price I’m gonna be mowing down skewered chicken, mozzarella kabobs and potato boats like Eater X. If there’s a restaurant equivalent to making it rain, I’m gonna find it – then I’m gonna do it at T3: The Rise of My Waist Line.

What’s on the Menu:
Well, I’ve already made it clear that I’m going to have one of every appetizer – so that’s settled.

For my mains – I’ve got to roll with the ribs. I mean they’re world famous. Says so right on the menu. Since I’m assuming that T3 was named after the Royal Army of Oz (Tik-Tok), the signature dish has to be good – or they’ll really upset a big Return to Oz fan.

I’m guessing we’ll end up eating here more than once because it’s close to our flophouse. If we do make subsequent trips, I’ll probably choke down the Tick Tock Chicken Grill – again, the name says it all.

Melt:
Every grilled cheese I’ve eaten in my life will be judged against Melt’s Gourmet version. If you’re a fan of Man v. Food, Melt might ring a bell. In season 3, Adam Richman attempted to take a bite out of the Melt Challenge. Here’s how it’s described on Melt’s website:

“Our monster grilled cheese featuring 13 different cheeses, 3 slices of grilled bread and a pile of hand-cut fries & slaw. Over 5lbs of food!!”

What’s on the Menu:
Yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and pass on the challenge, but I’m gonna eat the hell out some grilled cheese. We’ll probably only be at this place once, so I’ll see if I can split a few options with my friends. Here are my picks:

  • Winter Chicken: grilled chicken, honey tomato chipotle sauce, pepper-jack
  • BBQ Chicken: grilled chicken, grilled onions, sharp cheddar, sweet BBQ sauce
  • The Godfather: 3 cheese lasagna, fresh fennel-oregano pasta sheets, spicy red sauce, provolone, garlic spiked bread
  • Big Popper: fresh jalapeno peppers, cheddar & herbed cream cheese, beer battered, mixed berry preserves
  • The Kindergarten: fresh baked bread, choose your favorite cheese. I’m rolling with mozzarella here to see if Melt can hang with the best grilled cheese I’ve ever had courtesy of Duff’s in Buffalo, NY.

Not only does the food look awesome, Melt just seems like a fun place in general. They even have a special promotion for hardcore fans: Get 25% for life if you get tatted up with one of Melt’s four logos. If I lived in Cleveland, that ink would be paid off in a month.

As an added bonus for the social media inclined, Melt can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Not following is to risk losing all grilled cheese privileges.

See, Cleveland is starting to sound like a pretty great trip after all…

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Tonight, Cleveland Cheers for the Celtics

Lebron James is a Bitch

The genius responsible for the Cleveland tourism videos created this must watch gem. To all the people in Cleveland, I hope the Celtics bring you a little bit of joy tonight.

Don’t forget to print Toucher and Rich’s Delonte West mask (it’s fantastically creepy) and wear Barstool Sports’ Delonte t-shirt for tonight’s game. Green 18!

 

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Major League

Arguably the greatest baseball film of all time puts the spotlight on the Cleveland Indians.

Taken at face value, Major League follows the seemingly dime-a-dozen formula of an underdog beating adversity. The Indians, a team full of “has beens” and “never wases”, come together when they’re left with only one option: win the whole fuckin’ thing.

Critics might call it little more than an R rated Bad News Bears. If that’s your take, go address your daddy issues by watching Field of Dreams or lament your love life with the chick flick in sports clothing that is Bull Durham. In the baseball movie World Series, Major League dominates every contender so handily that to explain my argument would be insulting to this movie’s greatness. Disagreement is the equivalent of stealing Jobu’s rum and it’s very bad to steal from the gods – just ask Prometheus or Eddie Harris.

Since I’m a highly cultured man, it’s my personal mission to share knowledge with the world. It is my duty to open your eyes to new and interesting experiences. Therefore, the below clips will expand your horizons a bit, boost your understanding of the Italian language and bring you closer to God…or at least Jobu.

Spring Training

Peel a Section

Strike this Mo**Guy**Out

Bottom of the 9th

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Dream Destination

What comes to mind when you think of a dream vacation?

  • Hawaii
  • Sydney
  • Paris
  • Venice
  • Dubai
  • Bangkok (you sick bastard)
  • Vancouver

If you answered yes to one of the above, you’ve got to start thinking outside the box. Clearly every crazy tourist in the world is lining up to get snared in one of these traps.

The off the grid travelers, like the Kerouacs, Bagginses or Dr. Gonzos of the world, know to keep away from these destinations like Jimmy Dugan avoids the clap. In a few short weeks, I’ll be following in the footsteps of these giants with my sights set on the rockin-est destination in the Northern Hemisphere: Cleveland.

Cleveland might not be for everyone. The way I see it: why go someplace nice and hate to leave for the nightmare that is real life? When I’m in Cleveland, home will look like Valhalla and I’ll be begging someone to kill me.

In true traveler poet fashion, I’m dedicating my next batch of posts to the Forest City (maybe you’ll find out who won the Eastbound & Down set too…maybe).

There’s only one way to get this blog countdown started right. There’s only one way to get it started quickly. So let the music take control. Let the rhythm move you. Sweat with some come to Cleveland propaganda – hey, at least it’s not Detroit!

For reasons unknown, you have to watch part 2 on YouTube. Click play and the link will take you there.

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Best of HBO: Part 3

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS NAUGHTY LANGUAGE

For those that don’t know, HBO programming actually covers a lot of sports. It’s one of the few outlets that still devotes time to boxing, it’s got Real Sports, it had Inside the NFL for years, The Joe Buck Show (oh wait, forget that one), 1st & 10 and you may have heard about this little program called Hard Knocks. But for my money, the best HBO sports program is…surprise, Arli$$!

Arli$$ is standing tall in television’s Parthenon next to greats like Heil Honey I’m Home! and Homeboys in Outer Space. Arli$$ followed the story of sports super agent, Arliss Michaels and his eclectic office staff as they survived the wackiness that is the world of professional sports. For example, one week the gang is dealing with a sexually confused QB and the next, they’re grooming an impressionable up-and-coming Eastern European tennis star. That reminds me…

Before she was Nadia in American Pie, Shannon Elizabeth was serving up straight sets of sensuality as an impressionable up-and-coming Eastern European tennis star in the season one episode “Crossing the Line.” Sorry Jason Biggs, Arliss was going for seconds before you got your first sniff. Dame, Set, Match.

Another reason to love Arli$$ is…wait, what the fuck am I talking about? Arli$$? Are you kidding me? That show fuckin’ blows. Arli$$, you’re fuckin’ out. Kenny Powers is fuckin’ in! Let’s buy the bar and get shitfaced! You guys didn’t really think I was fuckin’ serious about Arli$$ did you?

[Image from HBO]

Plot: In the opening minutes of Eastbound & Down, pitching phenom Kenny Powers (Danny McBride) experiences a meteoric rise in major league baseball. One minute Kenny wins the World Series, the next he’s on a downward spiral of steroids, sex and scandal that finally crashes and burns with Kenny taking the substitute teaching exam in his hometown.

Season one’s six episodes deal with Kenny’s struggle to give up baseball and to adjust to the life of an average American – that is an average American that blew millions of dollars and moved back to his hometown only to live with his brother’s family and be a substitute Phys. Ed teacher at the local middle school.

Why it’s great: The easy, obvious, answer is Kenny Powers. Everything this character says and does is gold. For the sake of providing at least one specific, I’ll narrow the great material down to Kenny’s words of inspiration. During each episode, Kenny receives his own advice via his Audio Biography titled, “You’re Fucking Out, I’m Fucking In.” Basically, this means Kenny Powers is responsible for doling out the best advice in entertainment since Empire Strikes Back. Here’s a taste of what to expect:

  • A lot of people ask me, ‘Kenny Powers, you’re a giant superstar. You can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?’ And the answer is yes, I have. Several times, in fact. And it’s actually kinda cool. You can negotiate practically anything and sometimes, even just kind of do stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by without much argument.
  • Sure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I’m not. I just feel that America’s the best country and all the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.
  • I love  women, every fuckin’ one of ‘em. Even the ugly as shit ones. But don’t ask me to trust ‘em.  Not even nuns. Because every pair of tits comes with a gapin’ hole of need.
  • One time I was invited to come to a social gathering. I was paid a handsome amount of money, and I brought a shotgun and a bottle of Tanqueray and showed those people the best fucking time they’ve ever seen.
  • You know what Kenny Powers says? Fundamentals are the crutch of the talentless. This one coach I had tried to put me on a weight training program, and I was all like, “You and your weights can go fuck off somewhere. I’m not lifting that shit. That shit is heavy. You tell me why I need strength training when I’m strong enough to throw a goddam 100 MPH pitch. Fuck that. See in life, when you have talent, all the other shit doesn’t matter. If we were on an island with no weights, and no running drills, who would be on top then? The guy with the talent.

Will Ferrell as Ashley Schaeffer: Will Ferrell appears in two episodes as the stylin’, profilin’ Ric Flair-lookin’ local car dealer Ashley Schaeffer. Just looking at him in this role makes me want to laugh, but he’s got a ton of great lines and has an obsession with slapping dudes in the junk. In Schaeffer’s final scene, he’s pushing Kenny to have a pitch off against an old baseball rival Reg Mackworthy (Craig Robinson).

During the exchange, Ferrell delivers a line that’s so insane Robinson and McBride are struggling to keep a straight face. It’s probably my favorite quote from season one, which, as you can by now imagine, is saying a lot:

  • I had a dream about this moment. When I was making love…to my wife Donna. On top a her; powerful thrusts, filling the sultry night air. Heavy breath. My son Gabriel walked in, little boy. My wife sprung out of bed and said “No, Gabriel! Leave!” And I said “No, honey, shut your mouth, let him watch.” Let him watch what is being consecrated here. And I want the people to watch what is going to be consecrated here. And I will bring my son down here, and he will watch.

[Image from HBO]

I enjoyed this program so much, that I want to share the love with one of my readers. Yes sir, I’ve opened up the coffers and purchased a copy of Eastbound & Down Season One to giveaway! Here’s what you’ve got to do if you want a chance to win:

Leave your favorite Eastbound & Down quote in the comments section by midnight eastern on Saturday, September 25.

You’ll also get one bonus point for sharing this post on Twitter (remember to include my handle @mdfearon so I can give you credit). Speaking of Twitter, you should make sure to follow Kenny’s assistant Stevie Janowski (@SFUCKINGJ).

The winner will be selected at random and be announced during the week of September 26.

If you want to win an even bigger prize, like Kenny’s Jetski “The Panty Dropper,” check out HBO’s official site. You’ll be pulling some serious tail if you win that thing.

[Image from HBO]

Final thoughts: I’m going to Sha-BOOM’s and John Rocker is driving me. This post has been based on a true story. The mother-fuckin’ end.

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Great Moments in Draft History

Like so many other people in this great nation, I participate in a Fantasy Football league. Fantasy Football is a bit like NASCAR, its biggest event takes place at the beginning of the season. NASCAR has Daytona, Fantasy Football has the Draft. Many fantasy league drafts now take place virtually, leaving little room for fantasy’s true draw: it’s an excuse to meet your friends, gamble, drink your face off and eat hot pepper pizza before devouring bad Chinese food in the wee hours of the night. Your team could be out of contention by week eight, but having a great time at the draft certainly makes up for losing – that’s why I only take leagues with in-person drafts seriously (sorry co-workers).

The core of my serious fantasy league has been together since 2003 and we’ve certainly had our share of draft night debacles. I feel that these events are worthy of being immortalized on the interwebs for all to see and 10,000 years from now some alien race will open this little slice of the web and understand that I hung out with a bunch of low-life degenerate drunks, free booze demanding draft girls and glass-jawed ninnies that can’t go two minutes without saying, “great pick” during the draft.

Ladies and gentlemen: the stories you are about to hear are true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Draft Moment #5: Questionable Picks in 2004

Two picks, one involving blind love for a player, the other having devious cheating written all over it, set the tempo for the 2004 draft.

Thomas proved that a fantasy player should never, ever, select a sleeper with the first overall pick. “I really love this kid,” said Thomas, the then manager of the naughty-named MILF Hunters. “He’s gonna have a great year.” Truth be told, Rudi Johnson didn’t have a bad 2004 season, but he had no business in round one – never mind first overall (Thomas’ MILF Hunting license was later revoked).

Squish the Fish’s infamous Cheat to Win 2004 championship campaign got off to a Mr. Fuji-esque start when manager Mike, the Hustle Monkey, took over drafting duties for the Gambler’s absent manager and selected Dolphin’s placekicker Olindo Mare in the seventh round. Mare played 11 games and kicked 12 field goals in 2004 – the same year Squish the Fish won The League championship.

Draft Moment #4: 2009 Emilio’s Special

The Draft is always on Sunday at JJ Foley’s. That means the kitchen’s closed and we’re ordering pizza from Emilio’s. The real surprise pick of 2009 came in the form of the pizzeria’s “Special” pizza. Another s word comes to my mind when I think of Special pizza, but the league’s gourmand, Willy, is not shy about taking a chance – and unlike Rudi Johnson, this one paid off in spades. See Emilio’s Special has enough garlic to kill Godric coupled with space travel enabling spicy peppers. It’s right up there with the all-time pizza greats.

Draft Moment #3: 2004’s Felix the Cat Hazing

The name on the jersey was for a guy that made a lot of saves, but The League Commissioner was far from safe when he showed up wearing a Felix Potvin sweater. Lovingly referred to as “The Cat” for the drunker portions of the evening, the Commish took his lumps in stride and was able to deliver Christmas gifts to nice children the world over (that’s an inside joke).

Draft Moment #2: The Men’s Room is Closed in 2007

A lot of horrors have been perpetrated inside the men’s room at JJ Foley’s. I myself have been witness to vomiting in both sink and urinal, amongst other things that should not be discussed in polite society. But three years ago, on a Sunday night in the dingy JJ Foley’s men’s room I saw the worst case of projectile purging I ever seen. There was this sound, like a garbage truck dropped off the Empire State Building…and when they pulled the bartender’s drunken father off of the warm pool he left on the stall floor he looked like this:


Yes, sir, the worst accident I ever seen – that is until…

Draft Moment #1: 2007’s One Punch Kid

The most infamous draft night event took place when a cocaine-raged local yocal stepped up to a former league manager and delivered the sucker punch heard ‘round Princeton Street. After the draft ends, we like to hang around the bar and enjoy ourselves (forgetting the old phrase “nothing good happens after midnight”). Unfortunately, this bar does have a tendency to attract a less wholesome element in the early morning hours and the seedy patrons sparked an all-out brawl outside of the bar. Ultimately this resulted in a Ronnie-style one punch knockout, flying forearms that would make Tito Santana proud and one ripped t-shirt (the ripped t-shirt sparked a fall 2007 fashion fad). Main lesson learned: stay away from cokeheads.

Honorable Mention: Craphonso Thorpe

Juiced Balls manager, J.A. ended the 2007 draft by picking Craphonso Thorpe – causing the managers to Craphonso themselves and celebrate like they just took out a fully operational imperial space station.

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