I’ve got to hand it to Spike TV. Never in my wildest dreams would I have expected this channel to succeed. I mean, does anyone remember its time as The Nashville Network? I didn’t think so.
Now, seven years after the station’s name change and Spike Lee’s lawsuit, the station is hitting its stride. Spike’s goofy programming like 1,000 Ways to Die (don’t whiz on the electric fence) and MANswers (how to get out of jury duty) have become the entertaining male equivalent to similar female guilty pleasures offered on VH1 and MTV. So after wifey catches this week’s 16 and Pregnant, grab the remote and belt out the WNBA’s old tagline, “We Got Next.”
Spike’s newest testosterone-fueled sensation, Deadliest Warrior, is half role-playing game, half stoner “what if” conversation that brings to mind the age old question, “who would win in a fight: Ditka or Hurricane Ditka?”
Each hour-long episode pits two of history’s fiercest combatants in a fight to the finish. Past bouts featured: Apache vs Gladiator, Spartan vs Ninja, Yakuza vs Mafia and Pirate vs Knight. To determine a winner, the contest invites two teams of guest experts to analyze fighting styles and conduct weapons tests for each historical warrior.
The testing phase is pretty funny. Experts on opposing teams exchange verbal jabs – obviously Greek warriors have been easy targets due to certain sexual proclivities. When it comes to weapons, experts unleash their fury on pigs that didn’t pass USDA tests or replica human torsos. Seeing the way too into it experts hack and slash their way around pigs while oozing machismo a la Razor Ramon is hilarious especially considering a lot of these guys were probably live action role-playing at their local parks a week before the taping.
After the testing period, results are entered into a simulation program that stages the battle 1,000 times. Then, a narrator, doing his best David Wenham impression, deems the warrior with the highest number of kills to be deadliest.
All told, Deadliest Warrior has that “I can’t believe I just spent four hours watching this on a Sunday afternoon” marathon quality and its warriors never yell, “are you not entertained?” in your face. Maybe this show will finally put that pesky Pirate vs Ninja debate to rest. Check it out on Tuesday’s at 10:00 pm.
In light of Deadliest Warrior, the recent Flea Market Freebie was put through the simulation ringer to determine the deadliest comment. Each entry was poked, prodded and evaluated by a panel of experts to determine wit, humor and beardyness. After running the test over 1,000 simulations, the deadliest comment was found courtesy of Christina F:
Classy doesn’t come in a bottle…it comes in two.
To prove that I actually give out prizes – unlike that Running Man show (RIP Whitman, Price and Haddad) – here’s Christina enjoying the spoils of war (the spoils being the stein)
As an added prize, you can check out Christina’s cooking prowess at Bon Appetit Beantown. Here’s a taste of the recipes you can expect: Chicken Lettuce Wraps with Spicy Peanut Sauce, Mediterranean Haddock and Watermelon Salad. Everyone’s a winner at BAB and Christina’s a bona fide hustler making her name!
I’d like to thank everyone that participated. It’s great to see you supporting local flea market vendors. Stay tuned for the next freebie!