Like so many other people in this great nation, I participate in a Fantasy Football league. Fantasy Football is a bit like NASCAR, its biggest event takes place at the beginning of the season. NASCAR has Daytona, Fantasy Football has the Draft. Many fantasy league drafts now take place virtually, leaving little room for fantasy’s true draw: it’s an excuse to meet your friends, gamble, drink your face off and eat hot pepper pizza before devouring bad Chinese food in the wee hours of the night. Your team could be out of contention by week eight, but having a great time at the draft certainly makes up for losing – that’s why I only take leagues with in-person drafts seriously (sorry co-workers).
The core of my serious fantasy league has been together since 2003 and we’ve certainly had our share of draft night debacles. I feel that these events are worthy of being immortalized on the interwebs for all to see and 10,000 years from now some alien race will open this little slice of the web and understand that I hung out with a bunch of low-life degenerate drunks, free booze demanding draft girls and glass-jawed ninnies that can’t go two minutes without saying, “great pick” during the draft.
Ladies and gentlemen: the stories you are about to hear are true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Draft Moment #5: Questionable Picks in 2004
Two picks, one involving blind love for a player, the other having devious cheating written all over it, set the tempo for the 2004 draft.
Thomas proved that a fantasy player should never, ever, select a sleeper with the first overall pick. “I really love this kid,” said Thomas, the then manager of the naughty-named MILF Hunters. “He’s gonna have a great year.” Truth be told, Rudi Johnson didn’t have a bad 2004 season, but he had no business in round one – never mind first overall (Thomas’ MILF Hunting license was later revoked).
Squish the Fish’s infamous Cheat to Win 2004 championship campaign got off to a Mr. Fuji-esque start when manager Mike, the Hustle Monkey, took over drafting duties for the Gambler’s absent manager and selected Dolphin’s placekicker Olindo Mare in the seventh round. Mare played 11 games and kicked 12 field goals in 2004 – the same year Squish the Fish won The League championship.
Draft Moment #4: 2009 Emilio’s Special
The Draft is always on Sunday at JJ Foley’s. That means the kitchen’s closed and we’re ordering pizza from Emilio’s. The real surprise pick of 2009 came in the form of the pizzeria’s “Special” pizza. Another s word comes to my mind when I think of Special pizza, but the league’s gourmand, Willy, is not shy about taking a chance – and unlike Rudi Johnson, this one paid off in spades. See Emilio’s Special has enough garlic to kill Godric coupled with space travel enabling spicy peppers. It’s right up there with the all-time pizza greats.
Draft Moment #3: 2004’s Felix the Cat Hazing
The name on the jersey was for a guy that made a lot of saves, but The League Commissioner was far from safe when he showed up wearing a Felix Potvin sweater. Lovingly referred to as “The Cat” for the drunker portions of the evening, the Commish took his lumps in stride and was able to deliver Christmas gifts to nice children the world over (that’s an inside joke).
Draft Moment #2: The Men’s Room is Closed in 2007
A lot of horrors have been perpetrated inside the men’s room at JJ Foley’s. I myself have been witness to vomiting in both sink and urinal, amongst other things that should not be discussed in polite society. But three years ago, on a Sunday night in the dingy JJ Foley’s men’s room I saw the worst case of projectile purging I ever seen. There was this sound, like a garbage truck dropped off the Empire State Building…and when they pulled the bartender’s drunken father off of the warm pool he left on the stall floor he looked like this:
Yes, sir, the worst accident I ever seen – that is until…
Draft Moment #1: 2007’s One Punch Kid
The most infamous draft night event took place when a cocaine-raged local yocal stepped up to a former league manager and delivered the sucker punch heard ‘round Princeton Street. After the draft ends, we like to hang around the bar and enjoy ourselves (forgetting the old phrase “nothing good happens after midnight”). Unfortunately, this bar does have a tendency to attract a less wholesome element in the early morning hours and the seedy patrons sparked an all-out brawl outside of the bar. Ultimately this resulted in a Ronnie-style one punch knockout, flying forearms that would make Tito Santana proud and one ripped t-shirt (the ripped t-shirt sparked a fall 2007 fashion fad). Main lesson learned: stay away from cokeheads.
Honorable Mention: Craphonso Thorpe
Juiced Balls manager, J.A. ended the 2007 draft by picking Craphonso Thorpe – causing the managers to Craphonso themselves and celebrate like they just took out a fully operational imperial space station.
Beardy Lollipop 